Every New Year’s, people make resolutions to change their lives. Those range from the small adjustments—eating more vegetables, perhaps—to the large, something like quitting smoking or saving $10,000 for a dream vacation. Some people want to make even more important changes, such as changing careers, moving to a new location, or ending an unhealthy relationship. Some of us think of making these changes throughout the year, not just as the calendar turns another page, perhaps because we’ve reached a breaking point in one of these areas or we’ve had a particular insight into who we are.
Unfortunately, fewer than 10% of us are successful in reaching our goals, at least when they’re resolutions. People point to a variety of reasons as to why people can’t meet their goals: too many resolutions at one time; unrealistic expectations; didn’t track progress; or continually pursue the same goal, year after year. Thus, the suggestions for being successful are the reverse of these: choose only one goal; set a measurable, attainable goal; keep up with your progress; change goals regularly. All of these suggestions are fine, but given the lack of success people have, there seems to be a more significant problem, and that problem is us. No matter what surface-level changes we make to our lives, we still live the same lives we were living before; we’re still the same people we were. In order to change our lives, we have to change our selves, a process that most people are unwilling to pursue.
Unfortunately, fewer than 10% of us are successful in reaching our goals, at least when they’re resolutions. People point to a variety of reasons as to why people can’t meet their goals: too many resolutions at one time; unrealistic expectations; didn’t track progress; or continually pursue the same goal, year after year. Thus, the suggestions for being successful are the reverse of these: choose only one goal; set a measurable, attainable goal; keep up with your progress; change goals regularly. All of these suggestions are fine, but given the lack of success people have, there seems to be a more significant problem, and that problem is us. No matter what surface-level changes we make to our lives, we still live the same lives we were living before; we’re still the same people we were. In order to change our lives, we have to change our selves, a process that most people are unwilling to pursue.
Rainer Maria Rilke writes about the power of art to transform us in his poem “Archaic Torso of Apollo.” Rilke spends the first fifteen lines describing the statue he sees, only to end the poem with the sentence, “You must change your life.” Rilke was studying with Rodin who had told him he needed to see the world more clearly; Rodin sent him to the zoo and the Louvre and told him to look at nature and art. Rilke examines the statue and realizes the power of art, as he writes, “for here there is no place / that does not see you.” One of the primary ways we need to work to change our lives is to allow ourselves to be seen. Art is certainly one way to do that, as great art challenges our view of the world. It calls out our blind spots and reminds us that there are parts of our selves we haven’t seen or acknowledged because, if we did so, we would need to change them. Great art points out our significant problems—racism, sexism, ableism, classism, homophobia, and other prejudices—but it also reminds us of the more banal ways we fall short: the times we’re not true to our friends or family; guilt or shame that prevents us from being our true selves.
We have a tendency to believe the world is the problem, not us; thus, we believe if we can change something about those around us—ranging from friends/family to the government to those who disagree with us—our lives will be different. As Leo Tolstoy writes in “Three Methods of Reform,” “There can be only one permanent revolution — a moral one; the regeneration of the inner man. How is this revolution to take place? Nobody knows how it will take place in humanity, but every man feels it clearly in himself. And yet in our world everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.” Whenever we talk about revolution, we think about changing the powers above us, enacting laws that will make the world a better place. While that is definitely an approach that needs to be part of our lives, such actions will be pointless if we don’t change our lives.
Almost thirty years ago, I was at a conference with two of my best friends. We were in a pizza place to get dinner, standing in line deciding what to order. I was in graduate school for an English degree, and I had become the type of person who would hold forth on all that was wrong with the world, and that list was long. I railed against popular culture, the government, people who didn’t consume the same media I did, etcetera, etcetera. While we were in line, I turned and said to my friends, “You know what makes me angry?” DJ responded, “Psssht, everything.” I realized he was right, and I needed to change who I was rather than changing the world. I had a choice between living as an angry, bitter person for the rest of my days or recognizing the absurdity in life and laughing at it. That change didn’t happen in a day or a week or years, as I’m still working on my tendency toward anger, but no change would have occurred if I wouldn’t have heard the truth in his joke and tried to change who I am.
James Baldwin takes a similar approach in “Notes of a Native Son,” one of his most famous essays. Baldwin spends part of the essay talking about his father and the rage that consumed him, but he also discusses the injustices he sees in life around him. He knows he needs to work against that injustice, but he finds himself becoming as angry as his father. He worries that he will let anger consume him because of his focus on the injustice, but he can’t ignore the problems he sees in society. He begins the final paragraph by writing, “It began to seem that one would have to hold in the mind forever two ideas which seemed to be in opposition. The first idea was acceptance, the acceptance, totally without rancor, of life as it is, and men as they are: in the light of this idea, it goes without saying that injustice is a commonplace. But this did not mean that one could be complacent, for the second idea was of equal power: that one must never, in one’s own life, accept these injustices as commonplace, but must fight them with all one’s strength. This fight begins, however, in the heart and it now had been laid to my charge to keep my heart free of hatred and despair.” Baldwin understands that the change in the world must begin in him, which is why he was able to work against injustice year after year, despite seeing little change in the world.
The truth is that most of us don’t want to change our lives, as that change is much too difficult. We settle for superficial changes (lose ten pounds, develop a better work-life balance) rather than admitting that we have behaviors and ways of being in the world that need hard work to change. We are unwilling to listen to those around us who tell us the truth: the family member or friend who explains why and how we’re isolating ourselves from those around us; the co-worker who leaves the unhealthy work environment and encourages us to do the same. There is a famous quote attributed to Albert Einstein (among others) that defines insanity as doing the same thing and expecting different results. The actual quote comes from a Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet from 1981, which states, “insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.” Whenever we make goals or resolutions, or we decide to try to change our life in some way, we repeat the same mistakes, yet expect different results.
The only way to change our lives is to change who we are. We have to look honestly at our selves and see what we need to change to reach those goals. For years, I claimed I didn’t have time to read or write because of the job I had; when I was honest, though, I found I spent too much time watching movies. Once I adjusted that, I somehow found the missing time I needed. I always claimed I was a night owl, so I couldn’t run or write in the mornings. Everybody who knows me now would claim I’m a morning person, while only those who remember me from more than twenty years ago would think differently. I had to change who I was to change how I was. I’m far from perfect now, of course, but I’m in a better place in many areas of my life because I was willing to change who I was. I have a better life than I would have had without those changes. As the new year comes around again, I have to change who I am again and become the person with the life I want now.
We have a tendency to believe the world is the problem, not us; thus, we believe if we can change something about those around us—ranging from friends/family to the government to those who disagree with us—our lives will be different. As Leo Tolstoy writes in “Three Methods of Reform,” “There can be only one permanent revolution — a moral one; the regeneration of the inner man. How is this revolution to take place? Nobody knows how it will take place in humanity, but every man feels it clearly in himself. And yet in our world everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.” Whenever we talk about revolution, we think about changing the powers above us, enacting laws that will make the world a better place. While that is definitely an approach that needs to be part of our lives, such actions will be pointless if we don’t change our lives.
Almost thirty years ago, I was at a conference with two of my best friends. We were in a pizza place to get dinner, standing in line deciding what to order. I was in graduate school for an English degree, and I had become the type of person who would hold forth on all that was wrong with the world, and that list was long. I railed against popular culture, the government, people who didn’t consume the same media I did, etcetera, etcetera. While we were in line, I turned and said to my friends, “You know what makes me angry?” DJ responded, “Psssht, everything.” I realized he was right, and I needed to change who I was rather than changing the world. I had a choice between living as an angry, bitter person for the rest of my days or recognizing the absurdity in life and laughing at it. That change didn’t happen in a day or a week or years, as I’m still working on my tendency toward anger, but no change would have occurred if I wouldn’t have heard the truth in his joke and tried to change who I am.
James Baldwin takes a similar approach in “Notes of a Native Son,” one of his most famous essays. Baldwin spends part of the essay talking about his father and the rage that consumed him, but he also discusses the injustices he sees in life around him. He knows he needs to work against that injustice, but he finds himself becoming as angry as his father. He worries that he will let anger consume him because of his focus on the injustice, but he can’t ignore the problems he sees in society. He begins the final paragraph by writing, “It began to seem that one would have to hold in the mind forever two ideas which seemed to be in opposition. The first idea was acceptance, the acceptance, totally without rancor, of life as it is, and men as they are: in the light of this idea, it goes without saying that injustice is a commonplace. But this did not mean that one could be complacent, for the second idea was of equal power: that one must never, in one’s own life, accept these injustices as commonplace, but must fight them with all one’s strength. This fight begins, however, in the heart and it now had been laid to my charge to keep my heart free of hatred and despair.” Baldwin understands that the change in the world must begin in him, which is why he was able to work against injustice year after year, despite seeing little change in the world.
The truth is that most of us don’t want to change our lives, as that change is much too difficult. We settle for superficial changes (lose ten pounds, develop a better work-life balance) rather than admitting that we have behaviors and ways of being in the world that need hard work to change. We are unwilling to listen to those around us who tell us the truth: the family member or friend who explains why and how we’re isolating ourselves from those around us; the co-worker who leaves the unhealthy work environment and encourages us to do the same. There is a famous quote attributed to Albert Einstein (among others) that defines insanity as doing the same thing and expecting different results. The actual quote comes from a Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet from 1981, which states, “insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.” Whenever we make goals or resolutions, or we decide to try to change our life in some way, we repeat the same mistakes, yet expect different results.
The only way to change our lives is to change who we are. We have to look honestly at our selves and see what we need to change to reach those goals. For years, I claimed I didn’t have time to read or write because of the job I had; when I was honest, though, I found I spent too much time watching movies. Once I adjusted that, I somehow found the missing time I needed. I always claimed I was a night owl, so I couldn’t run or write in the mornings. Everybody who knows me now would claim I’m a morning person, while only those who remember me from more than twenty years ago would think differently. I had to change who I was to change how I was. I’m far from perfect now, of course, but I’m in a better place in many areas of my life because I was willing to change who I was. I have a better life than I would have had without those changes. As the new year comes around again, I have to change who I am again and become the person with the life I want now.